Ready.gov
Terrorism forces us to make a choice. Don't be afraid… be ready.
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security recently presented a new website intending to prepare the US people for a terrorist attack.
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| If you have set yourself on fire, do not run | If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud. | If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder |
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| If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo. | Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you! | The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one (1) armless hand. |
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| Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away. | Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it. | Terrorist attacks are also a great time for the important question in life: Buy a new car or invest in real estate? |
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| Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically. | If a door is closed, karate chop it open. | Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile |
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| After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head. | If you've becomea radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit. | In case of an explosion at the horizon, drink & drive is allowed. |
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| If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell. | If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop. | If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting. |
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| If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it. | Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood. | A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. |
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| Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die. |